● @ Monday, March 24, 2008 ●
Life is so unpredictable. One moment your have a great time and the next moment everything get taken away from you. Why is Allah so cruel to me??? I don want to end it so soon. I’m not ready to face the future. Is this my balasan for leaving a guy who love me his whole heart and I did not appreciate. Instead I leave him without any reason making him look for the answer. I know I am a bitch to him now. But I can’t carry on because his past and family backgrounds always play in my mind. He is not a bad guy. It just me who cannot accept his background. Syaf told me that I fall into his love too fast. And she say that ekin was a good bf if I put aside his background status and I have make a wrong move by falling for mr sunshine. Thanks syaf. But you know why I broke off with him. You know kan.. And you agree that if you were me you will do the same thing. I agree that I fall into Sunshine’s too fast. Maybe he was there during my difficult times and giving me advices. And I tout he is matured. He say negative remarks bout his ex and I though the have forgotten her.
Maybe this is the balasan for me.. I feel so lost… my life suddenly feel so empty… I just feel like putting a full stops to it… I have no more energy to carry on. Im so tired of living. Why is Allah so cruel? Allah know that I need him but still want to take him away from me. Why must Allah give me such a difficult dugaan? Im just ur hamba yg lemah.. This dugaan is too strong for me… y must it be me?? Y?? am I such a bad girl that Allah give me this dugaan?? Y cant miracles just happen? Till now I always pray, wish that it is all a dream. Just a dream. Im tired of this life already. I tout I have found someone to share my problems at work, family, fends and to fill my loneliness, to laugh with, to share secrets with, to spend my free times with…. Everything end so fast before I enjoyed it fully.. This separation is harder then the time I broke off with Ekin. My fends ask me y I can handle it so strong during my breakup with Ekin and now im so lemah? I seriously have no answer.. You think I want to be like this? I want to move on too. But I dunno. I just can’t. You think I want to survive on milo only? I want to eat real food. But my stomach cannot accept.. Do you know hw hard life is to just survive on milo? I wan to eat solid food, but whenever I look at food it just turn me off. I want to sleep at night, but this eyes just don want to close. Thanks to nina, I have online movie to occupy my nights. The feeling is very bad. I hate this feeling. At home my parents keep on asking if im going out with mr sunshine’s after work, if I’ll be home for dinner. At work my colleague ask if sunshine’s is working. How can I move on like this? Everyone keep on asking me about him. Ya I can see that dad is happy when im with sunshine’s. Maybe cuz of his age, dad tout he is matured enuf for his childish, playful and mischievous daughter. How am I going to break the news to them? To my grandma? OMG!!! This is driving me insane. I’m so stress up… The big mistake that I make is letting my family know that I’m going out with him, showing grandma his picture and telling my family about his age.. I seriously don know how to face this. You leave me to face these problems alone. You think you’re the only one with problems? I always put a brave front. I’m just so stupid. Seriously I dunno where I get the courage to do what I did on Sunday. Maybe I left with no choice.. I thought it going to be fine like what syaf and nina told me. But im wrong. I think because of it, it seem like im being pushy. Blame me if you want to. In that moment I feel confused and I just need a sense of security. That all!! But it turn to be a bad move on my side.. Pretend to be strong when I’m actually lembek. Amalina!!!! Please wake up to your senses…. The thought of it being over just drive me nuts. I need you Allah. Please give me the strength to overcome this… I’m left alone to handle these problems. With the pity and sorry expression that my colleague gave me. Where is the strong, positive Amalina?? Where?? Im tired. Tired. Tired.
It wasn’t so much about what he did for me but what I found myself willing to do for him and making compromises to keep the relationship going. But in the end, it still ends. And I found myself feeling helpless and tired of the whole process. Even my fends at work msg me and ask what wrong… Am I a ghost to them? I think kak yati was so shock to see me… I was doing my work and suddenly I cry. She thought I was laughing until I cry too hard and it tersedu2. I really do feel better after I cry my hearts out. And mateen came over my plc to do my pc. Seeing me like tat he too was shock. It sweet of him to msg me and be happy without keypo asking what my problems. At least I knw that I still have a friends. And thank Syaf for replying my sms. Thank Mr Sunshine’s for still calling me and sms me.. At least I know that I don totally lost you. It a simple action to you guys but it do make a big different to me.
Whatever negative remarks you wanna say about sunshine's you can say. You want to compare him with Ekin you guys are free too. Cuz i never compare them and i have more memory with sunshine. He bring me to many interesting places, met his interesting, fun and loving friends and i'm happy. I only feel sad that i wont get to join them to Pulau Ubin and Ice Skating. In these short period i have been to many interesting places and nice memory that i do no want to forget. I just hope for a micacle to happen cuz i really love him.....
IM HAPPY!!
